My One Year Anniversary!

Time flies when you are having fun… so the saying goes. And it has!

We were having dinner with our lovely hostess Laura and she was asking us about how our families feel about what we are doing… read: not working for money and pursuing the path. I explained how my mother was very supportive of me when i told her i wanted to quit my job and focus on self-awareness techniques, including meditation and yoga, for a year. In fact, she was not just supportive but encouraging and this led me at one point to seriously question myself; i realized that if even my mother could have this reaction, why had i not yet quit my job? I further explained to Laura that this choice was ok with momz so long as it was for one year... when i started talking about taking 2 or 3 years off (for those who are counting i’m up to a 3.5 year goal now) she started freaking out. About me not having health insurance, about me not being employable when i’m done with my sabbatical, about me getting used to not working and then what? Yes, her fears, most people’s fears.

Mine too actually. In fact, when I asked myself back then why I had not quit my job yet, my sincere answer was that I was too scared to. Scared to take that leap, scared to leave the life I knew behind, to step way out of my comfort zone, and enter something so new, so different, so unimaginable to me. It was fine enough every once in a while to do a workshop or retreat, but to enter this full time? Since I was 13 years old I had always had a job, at least part time. The longest I had been without a job since then was 3 months. I chose a career that I was passionate about. I studied for 7 years in university. I wasn’t one of those people who did what she did because of the money. There was nothing else I could have ever imagined doing; working on sexual and reproductive health issues was it for me. I loved it. I still love it! For so long I made it clear that nothing, and no one (including any partner) would come between me and my work. It wasn’t a 9-5, it was part of me, it was rewarding, challenging, I thrived on it, my work nourished me. (for those who didn’t know me in my previous life, I worked on HIV prevention, adolescent sexual and reproductive health, contraception, domestic violence, and gender related issues.)

So who would i be if i didn’t have a job, if i wasn’t associated with or linked to my profession? Could i still feel productive, deserving, happy, if i have absolutely no income? Could i feel secure, sure in my decision, knowing i’m using my only savings to fund this sabbatical? Could I be at ease knowing that there is no safety net to fall back on with mom or anyone else, in those infamous “what if” situations that lurk in the back of the mind (and sometimes in the forefront)? Could i respect myself if i had nothing “to do”, no obligations, no responsibilities, no commitments, no place or no thing pulling me in one direction or another? Could I actually be without a destination, without an end goal?

What’s the purpose of this sabbatical people repeatedly ask me? Purpose? Well… um, “to get to know myself better! Yes… that’s it. That’s all,” my reply to blank or confused looks. And that’s plenty I tell you! I realised I didn’t know who I was really, that I had been trying to fool others about who I am and in the process fooled myself into believing it and didn’t even know how many masks I was wearing and when and why anymore. And if I can spend all those years looking out and studying political, economic, cultural, and organizational structures, history, statistics, research methods, etc… I can spend some time looking in and getting to know myself better.

The questions continue: “For what? Why?” Well… because in the process of getting to know myself better I understand the world that surrounds me better. and in understanding the world that surrounds me better I again understand myself better. that’s at the individual level. But I also know that the more internal work I do, the more internal crap I sort through, the lighter I become, and that has its positive impact on my role as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, lover, friend, teacher, person in general.

I was the last person you would have thought to enter such a path really. No, REALLY! Several of you reading this right now I’m sure are nodding your heads in agreement. I laughed (out loud even) at people who went “seeking”… seeking what I wondered! To “find themselves”? I couldn’t understand how someone could loose themselves! I didn’t understand that I had lost myself a while back. I was a sworn atheist, absolutely not spiritual, had no clue what meditation was, and it had not occurred to me whatsoever to find out! Master, surrender, let go,… all foreign concepts to me, and totally threatening. I suppose this time spent on the other side of the spectrum prepared me to be able to explore this side.

You guessed it, the questions continue: “Where do you want to live after India? What do you want to work in after this sabbatical?” Well, um… “How do I know?” I answer in all honesty and often people think I’m just trying to give them a hard time or avoid the question. The me of 3 years ago would have never in her wildest of wild wild wild dreams imagine that I would be doing what I’m doing now (and I have some wild dreams). So how can the me of today possibly know what the me of 2 years from now will want? It’s impossible. The Greeks have a saying: if you want to make the Gods laugh, tell them your plans! Ha!

What I do know is that there is nothing I rather be doing right now then what I am doing right now. That over the past year I have not had one minute, or even 30 seconds, of regret, for making the decision I made: to leave the economically productive work force and look within. Most people in my life have been supportive; some shocked or worried but supportive non-the less. And I am grateful for that, very! It has been like wind beneath my wings. Thank you.

This past June while I was visiting my mother and brother (that’s when these pictures were taken) I had the chance to share with them a bit of what I’m learning and I’m so grateful and honoured that they were open to it. I know I’m blessed to have them not only supporting me with words of encouragement and sincere inquiries as to what I’m doing, but to also trust me enough to get try it out. Without resistance, without apprehensions, without fearful questions, they just sat with me and meditated. I’m so damn lucky! Mom saw one of my books on tantra and made it a point to spend an hour every morning reading it; she not only finished it but she had me order her a copy! One of the books I ordered, on Sufi meditations, arrived after I left and mom says she won’t send it to me in India until she is done reading it. Joe made copies of the different meditation CDs I brought, for himself and for mom, and has introduced his girlfriend to it back in San Diego. They are amazing people these two.

Since I have been on this path I have been meeting more and more like minded people, people with suggestions about other methods or places that could be of interest, people with words of encouragement, people on similar yet individual journeys. And in this way I met Nisarga, Eryk to some of you. We met on this path, each of us having quit our respective jobs before we met each other, both interested in yoga, meditation, massage, travel, looking within, all before we met each other. We became friends through the workshops, then lovers, and now partners. I am so grateful that our paths crossed, that we are travelling together, in every sense of the word, and for our love.

During the first workshop we were at together we took sannyas, accepting Osho as our guide, master. To be a sannyasin means to live/ follow the truth. When you become an Osho sannyasin you make a commitment to yourself that you will live life as fully as possible, as aware as possible, dropping fears and ego along the way. You have the choice to be given a name in Sanskrit, or not, and this name helps you remember yourself on the path. Ma Neelam, who gave sannyas to both of us, channels Osho’s energy; to put it in her words, she’s just the postman delivering the message. I was given the name Dhyan Deepa, which means internal light of meditation. Eryk chose the name Nisarga (he said it came to him during one of the meditations through Osho) and was given the prefix Shantam, together it means peaceful divine nature. (We’ll include pictures of our sannyas celebration as soon as we can find them!)

Thank you Laura for asking about this and making me realise, just a couple of days ahead of time, that this is my one year anniversary… of a rebirth. I had completely lost track of time. In fact, I was in total shock that a whole year had passed by. I called my mother and let her know, and she was also surprised: “so fast?” Yup! As I look back on this year, I can honestly say it has been just what I needed. So happy anniversary to me!

Thank you for reading this far, and sharing in this journey with us!