vipassana - love, compassion, equanimity...(by nisarga)

First time I heard about this technique in Poland few years ago, friend of mine told me about it, by that time I thought this is for crazy people. You meditate for 10 days, 10 hours per day, during that time you are not allowed to read, write, speak, and communicate with external word. Inspiration to do this crazy thing was planted by Deepa and Slawek , who recommended this as life changing experience. As I dedicate time fully for meditation, yoga and searching way to get out of misery I had nothing to loose but try. So Deepa and me have enrolled for retreat started on September 15th. Few days before meditation I started to prepare my body by one hour morning sitting to stretch stiff hips, knees and ankle, extended time from 15 min to half an hour without movement.

The day has come and we turn up at the Dhamma Sikhara on 15th September afternoon, we left money, passport, and all valuables in deposit and went to the residential area. I got D block number 1, shared room with 4 other guys. Male and Female were separated in different areas. First sitting started on the same day after dinner. Next morning my body was awaken by the gong at 4am , the moving I`s brush teeth and the other I`s went to the Dhamma Hall for 2h sitting.For the first 3 days main instructions were to concentrate awareness on the breathing and small area above lips , which helped to sharpen mind on observation. On day 4th the body was feeling in pain , which triggered anger, hatred, fear. Those emotions overwhelmed me ,rooted deeply around Hara. That day I went twice to ask teacher for advice, what to do with emotions, how to express them. In response teacher advised to watch them, control the mind with equanimity, awareness and peace. Well , easy to say, hard to do. So backing to my meditation spot, I sat trying to find equanimity and watch my anger. By that time I could sit around 20 min, without movement and then pain came taking out control of the mind and body.

Later on, instruction is to take all determination and sit 60 min without no movement, it must have been joke! It was too much. Day 4 and 5 emotional I`s was crying. I was dreaming for “dynamic meditation” or some catharsis, anything to express what was buzzing inside me.This was Vipassana, based on moment to moment you are observing sensations, without craving and aversion, with understanding that all is coming and passing. Realisation of misery from attachments, cravings and aversions assisting subconsciously through the lifetimes. How to be free from them, how not to react, but act, how to be more self-conscious, be awaken, not in sleep and dream, be able to decide about life. Tears helped to remove lot of tension and anger.Day 6th brought lot of equanimity and awareness. One of observing I`s was able to be present and watch the sensations, as results of this observation, the craving I`s started worried about loosing peace and awareness.The mind was considered itself as very mature, and equanimous organ. That was not true, that was projection built on unrealistic experiences of unaware, egoistic, ignorant myself. That was good fun to watch 31 years old believes, ideas, convincions, views and creation of myself, others and surrounding world, how much untruth,all built only for pleasurable and convenient life. Strong attachment to that believes and craving for separation and immortality.All so easily broken after realisation the cravings for enlightenment and understanding the truth. Craving and Aversion , those two were like one coin, one involved the other, like day and night, coming and passing. How not to be attached to those two in outside world , how to drop the misery , this was visious circle of observation, and again intellectual I`s thought OK , I know. Faith and effort , two of the friends helping to keep peacefull and aware mind.

Day by day, observation of the mind, emotions, projections, fantasies, imaginations, visions , going into different places, stages, energies. How much of that was Vipassana? That was first step to the truth, every journey starts from small steps, or even earlier from first thought. This was done, now there is faith and trust to purify the mind and be awake, be able to observe my-SELF, feel it, understand it and others, be companionate and loving. There was many dreams, very vivid and clear. Final goal was compassion and love, all other steps are only preparation. In the process of dissolving the body, materiality is not existing, all universe vibrate with energy, there is no solidity, no I , mine, me , myself. All is one flow, the law of NATURE, universal law of understanding. Taking second step to discover distant galaxies, first step was forgotten, how to know the nature, the galaxy and universe in this body, in the SELF.

...and the last thing, my I`s have seen today a bottle of cold coca-cola ,just after delicious lunch in carpe diem,and it realised that there was no craving for this crap anymore. Emotional I`s was so happy for that, like there is no more desire for sugar and cola.