Fast track weight loss program!

There were a few times during our past 10 days at Osho-Nisarga that I felt I didn’t want to eat. But fear would enter tall and proud, what if I get hungry later and there’s no food. It’s not like I can just go and get food whenever it suits me, like going to your kitchen’s fridge or even next door to the convenience store. This is a meditation centre. There are set meal times, and it’s a bit isolated. And I wouldn’t exactly want to put junk food like crackers and things into my temple if I am really trying to support my body. So I chickened out. I always chicken out. This “what if” fear factor is so very strong in me, especially when it comes to food. So I ate.

Before we got to Mcleodganj however, I had declared that I wanted to try a liquid fast. More specifically, I declared that I wanted to go a day with just fruit. See how it goes. And if that went ok move on to just liquids: natural juices, herbal teas and water. I asked Nisarga if he could support me in this. By support I meant, go through it with me. Because I know that I do not have the will power to go on a fast, even a liquid fast, while my partner is stuffing his face away. He gladly agreed. How did I even make it this far? Lets rewind a bit.

In May, when we first got together at the Tanta workshop, Nisarga started fasting. Back then I didn’t know much about Nisarga, perhaps I know a bit more now, and he just said he wasn’t eating lunch that day. It was a very powerful day energetically speaking, with experiences that would turn out to be life changing. And he wanted to allow the energy to freely flow through him and not suppress it or stifle it with food. I was like, whatever! (not understanding any of this yet). Ok, so no lunch for you. And there was a special dinner that night, where you are blindfolded by your partner and seductively and playfully fed your meal and with bubbly even!, and he didn’t want to come for the dinner either. And so started a 5 day liquid fast, the first of his that I witnessed. He had herbal tea and water and that was that. I was so worried, I kept insisting he eat. He was doing powerful active meditations in the morning, all the tantric meditations and exercises throughout the day, and spending the night with me, sleeping 3 hours per night max, and still, no food. My maternal side kicked in and for the first time I observed myself trying to push food on someone. After a couple of days I tried to respect his decision, and that he knows what his body needs, and that he knows what is best for him, and that this was not the first or second or even tenth time, but still… eat something! I was not convinced. Especially since all these meditations and exercises were making me even hungrier then usual. I may have a small frame by Western standards, but I eat!!! I must admit however, he was so beautiful during this time. He walked so upright and broad, his skin was glowing, his eyes were shining, there was a loving, gentle power to him, and certainly the no-food plan wasn’t harming him from what I could see. I just couldn’t understand how, or even why, someone would not eat if they had the choice, and still be so active on top of all that.

I love food, I enjoy eating, but more than that, I believe I neeeeeeed to eat. Actually, I believe everyone needs to eat! If you’ve read the entries from Nice and Spain you will have realized by now just what an important role food plays in my life. So I watched Nisarga fast in Ponferrada for a few days, and again Almeria, Valencia, Barcelona and Girona. By now I had dropped my worry, and I was interested and inspired. I wasn’t aiming for 7 or 10 or 14 days of no solids, I just wanted to take a baby step. And since I’m living with someone who knows how to do this, why not take advantage and try. What did I want to prove to myself? That I don’t neeeeeeeed food. That’s all. That I can say no to food, and things carry on all right.

When I told my mother, only afterwards of course, that I had gone on a liquid fast, her first response was: “Why? Eat something!” And I realized I was hearing the same fear, and the exact same words, that I had used when I first watched Nisarga go through it. So I tried to answer this question, since information and knowledge can help reduce fear and apprehension. I explained that I have a problem with eating. I’ve never been bulimic or anorexic or anything like that, but I have always been an unconscious eater! My mother would often tease me and say my eyes are bigger then my stomach, or that I eat with my eyes. Because I would see so much I liked at the buffet table, or on the menu, or in the fridge, or whatever, and then I would end up with so much food! Then I would feel guilty for not finishing and force myself to finish it. So I would finish the plate clean… because otherwise it was a waste of money, because it was a waste of food, because it was impolite, because it was so tasty, because who knows when I would get a chance to eat that again. Because of this and because of that but not because I was still hungry.

I don’t remember in my consciousness ever being told that I had to finish my food or I couldn’t get up from the table, or the guilt trip about the starving kids in India or Africa somewhere who wished they had what I wasn’t willing to eat. I was not a fussy eater as a child or a teenager. And I didn’t experience hunger or the emotional uncertainly of where food would come from next as a child or teenager. So I really don’t know how or when or why I internalized that I need to eat, that I am afraid I won’t get to eat that again or won’t get food later, and that I need to finish what is in front of me. Nevertheless, this sense of guilt and fear are with me big time! I now realize that it probably doesn’t have to do with the food itself, rather, these feelings were superimposed onto the realm of food simply so that they could be felt. In other words, I have internalized from very early on fear, guilt, feeling responsible, and being seen as “a good girl”. So 30 years later, I still play out these emotional games and addictions, even when no one else is looking, and I play them out with my eating patterns.

Back to my explanation to mom. So I tell her that I eat for other reasons than hunger. She replies, “you do? Like what?” I thought to myself, does she only eat when she’s hungry, or has she just not thought much about this? Because I’ve given it quite some consideration. Ever since I was a teenager I have been aware that I eat even when I’m not hungry. And with this awareness I have gone ahead and stuffed my face, feeling helpless to what I thought was just my nature. I eat because I’m afraid, excited, bored, nervous, happy, horny… the great exceptions are angry and sad, I don’t eat when I’m pissed off or down. At least! Also because there is an occasion to celebrate, because I want to bond with someone, because it’s free, because it’s available/ it’s there, because I’m studying, because I want to fit in, because I want to have a cultural experience, because it’s home made, because I want to be accepted, because I want to be liked, because I want to be polite, because someone I care about or someone who cares about me offers me some, because I want to show gratitude or appreciation, because I don’t want it to go to waste or to go bad. Just to list a few reasons. And I’ll continue eating after I’m no longer hungry or even when I’m full, for all these reasons, and the ones listed in the previous paragraph, and more.

Basically what it comes down to is that I eat because I’m making decisions not in awareness. I am not listening to my body, and what I’m really doing is feeding my emotional addictions and games. I tried to eat more consciously, with my first real attempts and success back in March during the Mystic Rose 3 week meditation. The tactics I came up with for myself were: remember to feel gratitude before starting to eat; not even starting to fill up the spoon or fork with another bite full until I was done chewing and swallowing what was already in my mouth; eating in silence. I managed all three from time to time, but once back out in the real world, and certainly throughout the 3 month vacation in the West, it all went out the window.

So this little experiment, however long it would last, was to prove to myself that I could do it. That’s all. To strengthen my will power and my determination just a tad, in the face of an adversary I have always felt powerless against. And the first day was exactly that… a battle! This was my first time, what did I know? I was full of anger and agitation, I was frustrated. The only fruits available were bananas, apples and papaya. Bananas I really don’t like, apples I can live with, papaya was the only fruit on the list I could say I liked. I was not tempted to cheat, meaning eat. Even when we walked through town I was not craving or on the brink of walking into a restaurant. I was just angry that I did not have the choice. There was no particular food I wanted, I was just pissed off immensely that I had no choice. A friend recommended that I remind myself that going into this fast was my choice, and that I only had to do it as long as I chose to do it. This didn’t calm me down at all.

I was so agitated. I warned Nisarga “if I loose my humour, I suggest you feed me!” Luckily I didn’t loose my humour. He was a darling. He totally put up with me, offering more and more fruits. I was starving. Which was a total mind fuck because I had gone days with eating even less than I had done that first day… but I had not decided that I wouldn’t eat. So the mind and the emotions were kicking in. I kept my humour because it was so interesting to me to observe the different emotions that were coming up in me. I thought I would be tempted to eat and full of cravings, but nope, I was just pissed off. I felt like a caged lion or a tiger that could not get to his prey; yes, his, I felt very masculine energy running through me. He reassured me that the first and second days are the hardest, and that after that the body, mind and emotions get used to the idea. Plus it was my first time so it is expected that it will be harder.

We decided that the next day, the first real day of the fast I would not leave the house. Being around crowds and noise was too much for me. So I stayed in the hotel room and guess what I did all day? Blogs and piccassa pictures!!! This was my distraction (see picture), thankfully. Nisarga went out and got supplies: water and juice. It was not so bad. Really. In the afternoon hunger kicked in, around 5ish, but I was not so pissed off anymore. I did yoga in the morning, and drank lots of warm herbal infusions. For some reason the warmth of the liquid really helped settle me down. Nisarga ate papaya and apples on the balcony, I wasn’t tempted. On the second day I still didn’t leave the house, and again my hunter and gatherer Nisarga went for supplies. I continued with yoga, and blogging, and warm liquids. Anger came and went, so did hunger.

So did some friends from Osho-Nisarga who were staying at the same hotel. And I became so aware of what a large social function my eating has; I wanted to suggest we go for lunch or they invited us to come along for dinner and try this place or that, and I realized all we could really share was juice or warm herbal infusions. And it didn’t feel like it was enough, it felt like less, it felt not special enough, not deep enough, not bonding enough, not enough of an experience, to just share a warm drink and not “break bread together!” That in itself was an interesting experience to observe.

On the third day of the fast I started to get emotional. By emotional I mean just that, emotional. Not sad, not angry, not happy, not any one emotion in particular, and not moody either, but I felt like I was starting to overflow with emotions. Sensitive but not in a bad way. So that evening was the big moment. This fast was in fact a preparation for a liver cleanse. That meant that at 6pm, when supposedly I’m digesting in a particular way (informs me my hunter and gatherer), I should start drinking olive oil, up to 150ml, slowly, about every 20 minutes a bit. I had gotten top of the line olive oil for this occasion, cold pressed and first pick and coated in gold or something. 500ml was 8$! And his, and my, surprise, I had no problem chugging the oil down. He is disgusted by it, but I swung it back like water. We also drank lemon juice along with the oil. Sounds fun right? Well… I was happy because this meant we were getting somewhere. As in, this was the goal of the fast and I had achieved it. We went to sleep. And at around 1am… I woke up and made a mad dash for the toilet and barfed out a whole bunch of oil. Apparently it is not meant to be chugged… it is meant to be sipped. Yuuuuuuuck!!! It hurt and it was disgusting. Uuuuuggggg!!!

The next day we continued with juice. Our dear neighbours and friends from Osho-Nisarga were in the process of panchakarma, an aryuvedic detoxification. They had mentioned to Nisarga a potent natural diarrhetic which they had to take as part of their treatment. They had some left. Oh joyous day… according to Nisarga… this meant we could another layer of experimentation to our fast. Bowel cleansing!!! But there was only enough for one person. We decided to split it anyway, and have a whole bunch of husk in addition to make up for the smaller dose. By the way, the aryuvedic concuction is warmed up on a spoon... sound like crack? Not sure if that was necessary because less than half an hour after taking it and Nisarga was moaning and groaning on the throne. Thank goodness that my attack came after his had passed. We took turns sitting on the throne and laying on the bed in pain. Mind you, we had not had any solids in 4 days! (By the way, I was surprised when Nisarga was fasting last time and after 7 days he still had poop, amazing!) Our friends had actually gotten two separate rooms for one night because they needed two toilets! I really don’t want to know what the full dose is like!

Ok... now that we were shiny and clean inside, it was time to eat. Actually, I didn’t want to eat. I was ok with continuing. But Nisarga wanted to eat and I couldn’t hold out without him. I felt tingly all over. I wanted to sit in silent meditation and just feel my body. But at the end of the 4^th day, we sat and had some vegetables and rice. And I could finally say… no, I don’t neeeeed food. I had had a really bad cold during this time, and my period, but still, I didn’t need food. I did yoga and meditated and spent quality time with Nisarga, and no, I didn’t need food. I was happy. And I had lost about 4 of those kilos I brought back as souvenirs on my hips!