constipated...

I am constipated. What i did not realize is that it is in part due to feeling constipated. Sure i have had way too many rotis, paranthas, heavy, greasy home cooked indian food lately, and then indulged in ice creams, home made cookies and pasta and plenty of other things my body was not hungry for but my palate wanted. Constipation is definitely not something i experience often, so it’s noticeble when it happens in me. I am the kind of person who poos every morning between 6-8 like clockwork. It’s like my alarm clock!

Today, when i started working with Akash i realized this constipation goes far beyond the physical state. It’s how i feel. Akash asked me what my goal or desire was for myself as we work over the next week every day. My response: I don’t know. I haven’t taken the time, made the time, to really be in touch with myself since this accident. I haven’t been by myself. I don’t know what i want for myself. I do know that i have a lot of feelings which have built up inside and which i have not had the chance to express or let go. I know there are things brewing, simmering, slowly churning inside under a layer of efficiency, coordinating, managing, figuring out the next set of logistics, a huge shield of a mask of “doing”...

And so, with our first meditation, of free expression of anything and everything except words, i realized i’m constipated. I feel emotionally heavy, stiff. I know i have anger, frustration, fear, sadness, pain, etc inside to release but not much came out. And so, with our first meditation, and subsequent Gurdjieff movements class, i start taking my anti-constipation medicine. I start centering and looking inside. I start containing my energy instead of letting it all spill out, throwing it out. I start to get in touch with myself, and i start another small but important cycle of expression, of truth, of healing, of letting go.