internal, external, individual, shared, in place, in movement, with friends, with family, with lovers, with strangers, with soul mates, with teachers, with guides, in body, in formlessness, through fire and heat, with rains and oceans, with breezes and storms, under the stars and the moon and the sun and the planets, with dust and dirt and mud, with flowers and butterflies, with arousing smells, in mind, in the heart, in the soul, in spirit, in this life time, in past life times, through time, in timelessness, in laughter, in tears, with screams of joy fear and pain, in silence, linear, clear, vague, zigzag, full of curves, with tons of detours, with a purpose, without a destination...
(if you wish to view any of the pictures posted in the blog in larger format, click on the picture with your mouse and it will popup as a full screen picture. use the back arrow to go back to the post once you are done viewing the enlarged picture)
today i visited the alps for the first time. i was in the andes when i was in argentina doing my study abroad. in fact noha, a friend also on the study abroad, and i hitched hicked from the argentina side to chile across the alps... i so dont recommend anyone do that. i also spent time in the andes when i lived in peru for 2 years, and on my trips to bolivia as far back as when i was 12. but it was only when i got to the himalayas that i could really appreciate the mountains. i initially travelled in india to different himalayan destinations with indians who are absolutely passionate about those mountains. their respect and love for them taught me a lot. and today... i visited the alps. we went to isola, a village cum ski resort just 1.5 hours from nice. nisarga loves skiing here, and although im not a skiier, and dont have much desire to be one, i have agreed, enthusiastically!, to come back here with him. he can ski all day and i will simply be.
we sat and listened to the spring water gushing past. with the sun in our faces and the cool breeze caressing the rest of us. there was lots of snow left considering it's almost june. the sky a perfect blue!
as i look at these pictures it looks like we are standing in front of a fake picture, like they do in hollywood or bollywood. but it's not!!! it's soooo real. and beautiful.
i am not referring to eryk and dominic, im refering to eryk's father and uncle!!! now that's a duo. nisarga's uncle came to nice and suprised him, from zuric, and it was the first time they were seeing each other in over 2 years. over lunch, couscous at that, they joked that they would come to greece and join us and cause trouble. i said sure, fine, no problem, as long as they came after my mother and brother left, just in case that meant nisarga's rating dropped a few notches with my fam. they agreed! they are a circus!!! but then again, who's family isn't. in less then a week he'll have to put up with mine. and since they have a common language, english, he'll really be roped in. ahhhh... family!
but i really am grateful! his brother left us his apartment and car for 5 days. a fridge stocked with vegetables, fruit, champagne, cheese.... The apartment has internet, a bathtub and is right in front of the ocean. hello!!!!! it's our annual honeymoon getaway.
i remember last year on the plane from london to nice. i was so nervous. i was to see nisarga again, after a month of physical seperation, but speaking on the phone constantly. we had only been together for a couple of weeks before seperating. and this would be the first time i saw him out of our little himalayan retreat. that was almost a year ago. i'm so grateful he invited me here to begin with. and im happy to return with him, after a year of getting to know each other better, and ourselves. i'm so in love! of course being in southern france doesnt hurt the mood!
this time we return for his birthday. nisarga made it clear he wanted to spend it with family so we arrived late night the night before his birthday. we spent his birthday sleeping in, having brunch at home prepared by him and his father. the beach in the afternoon. mulles for dinner at the port with his father. precious!
and you know what else? i saw the reflection of the ocean in the wings of seagulls at the beach. aqua marine wings!!! so beautiful, transcient, delicate.
Although i freaked out plenty, and nisarga some, about not finding someone to stay with in Amsterdam... of course it worked out just fine at the last minute. And when i say last minute i mean during the last 24 hours. We found a hostel on line the night before leaving, located in the center of town, for 29€ including taxes. As it turned out there were no taxes because it was an illegal place without a sign even, but we didnt care a bit. We had a comfortable bed in a quite and clean room. The next day we moved to Arthur’s place. He is a friend of guess who?... Anita!!! She wins the lifetime achievement award for rescuer and saviour hands down. Mother Theresa had nothing on her. Artur was leaving town for a couple of weeks and said we could stay at his place while he was out. He gave us keys and instructions and went on his way. We were left with food in the fridge, a beautiful and spacious loft right in front of a canal, also very centrally located, internet, a piano and a terrace. Wow!!! What a way to start our Europe trip this summer.
We had amazing cheese and made yummy salads and sandwiches. We checked email and talked on skype. We did yoga and lingered around in bed. And very seriously wondered why in the world we were not staying on in Amsterdam until June 6th, the day before Arthur was due to return. Family commitments! Dam them.
nisarga discovered he MUST have been a musician, a very good one, in a previous life. He sat at the piano and started playing. And playing and playing and playing. It sounded good and lasted for over an hour. Amazing!!! He had already done this at the end of April with a wooden flute in India. Wow!!!
We walked and walked and walked. It was chilly but we put on all our layers and explored. It really helped that it was bright by 5am and dark only at 1030pm!!! So much daylight... the possibilities are endless. Well, ok, a bit more limited since we didnt leave the house until 3 or 4 or 5pm, but still. Nisarga was eager to checkout the red light district and do some window shopping, by day and night. Apparently it had left a big impression on some of his friends back in the UK. As far as the world renowned Van Gogh museum, the tulips which were in full blossom (it’s only season for 2 months), or a cruise along the canals... um... we skipped all that actually. Instead we bought a joint at the cafe shop and ... well, actually, the rest of the day was quite a haze. After hours of wondering around, we somehow made it back home... thankfully. We learned our lesson however. The next day we took our J to go! After walking around, watching people wizz by on boats or bikes mostly, and saying good bye to the city we went home to arthur’s, made a yummy dinner, and smoked on the terrace. We watched the clouds above us and described what we saw.
It was Nisarga’s first time in Amsterdam and my second. We loved it. Nisarga even said it’s a city he could live in. I was amazed how pedestrians, bikers, baby carriages (the city seems to be full of todlers), cars and trams all shared the same space... without any accidents or horns! How refreshing.
sounds like that christmas song you've heard so many times right? no! it's mango season!!!! yes. MANGOzzzzzz. and since we leave before june, we just mad it. and they are everywhere and they are soooo good, and juicy, and oh my god!!! ok... here's a lesson in how to eat one, nisarga style (who got it from richie who got it from his mother who probably got it from her mother and somewhere along the line they got it from god himself im sure)
step one: cut the mango along the side against the "stone" (the english are funny, the seed)
step two: cut that piece as if you were drawing a grid
step three: eat the grid!!!
step four: repeat on other side of stone/ seed
step five: suck the stone/seed until your face remains in a pucker permanently!
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.What food might this contain?' The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.'
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.Be assured you are in my prayers.'
The mouse turned to the cow and said 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life.
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY and OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
"I hereby ask and pray with all my heart and soul and mind and might for your divine intervention in helping me now to open fully to my clairvoyance and to fully open my channel so I may speak with the masters directly. I hereby make my request as an initiate of the Spiritual Hierarchy and as an ascended master for the divine, miraculous intervention of the God-force and my own monad to open these faculties within me. I wish now to be able to spiritually see, to spiritually hear, to allow the masters to speak through me, and guide me. I hereby give my complete permission for YOU to do whatever you have to do to accomplish this task. I ask for these things so I can expand my ability to serve. I thank you and accept these things as being done in the name of the Christ,Budha,Osho,Saint Germain.Amen”.
So the real reason we were not able to leave on Sunday... or Monday, was because walking, fish eating, chocolate indulging and shopping were all waiting for us!!! What else would one do in Bombay?; ok, granted, partying at night, but we were fresh just out of vipassana with our bodies waking up by 5 or 6 automatically and dead tired by 9pm! That left us with a whole lotta day time to kill!
Nisarga had not reallly seen Bombay, having been there twice but under precarious circumstances each time. The first time he was there for 24 hours in a hole in the wall hotel upon first landing in India on his first trip, and he hated it and quickly moved on to Pune. The second time was end of Jan, when he had a cast on and given that no city in India is really handicap friendly (Bombay certainly being no exception) the only place he really saw was Harris’s apartment. This time was different!
We walked around the Churchgate, Fort Area and down to Colaba to the Gateway to India. We stopped for cane juice and coconut water on the street. We checked out goods on offer at vendor stalls. We had brunch at a cozy european style cafe, which included me having a toasted bagel! We shopped for almost 3 hours for Nisarga’s Indian make-over. He was such a good sport, he tried on over a dozen kurtas of various lengths, pyjamas, churidars and even a doti! (Come on, it has been a year now that he has been in India and only one kurta and some t-shirts to show for it!) Now fabulously Indian, we had a yummy seafood late lunch and then continued shopping a bit more!
Three main meals in 3 days and all consisted of seafood and chocolate desert. One thing is for sure... Bombay has got to be the best city in all of india for chocolate deserts!!! Thank you Bombay!
Ktos kocha pieniadze, ktos kocha samochod, ktos kocha kota, lub psa, kochamy malzonka, rodzicow, dzieci, na samym koncu kochamy siebie lub nie.milosc nie prosi o cos w zamian, milosc to odczucie gleboko w sercu, to radosc dzielenia sie z innymi, to wspolodczuwanie z innymi, milosc jest zawsze w nas, to stan kiedy ego nie istnieje, nie mozna kochac przez pryzmat ego, wlasnego JA. Milosc nie jest oddzieleniem z innymi. W milosci nie ma miejsca na strach, zazdrosc, zlosc, nienawisc, milosc jest przyjaciolka wdziecznosci, kiedy naprawde kochasz to wiesz ze kochasz, kazda komorka ciala jest miloscia,radosna , szczesliwa, wolna i piekna.
Coraz blizej jestem momentu zrozumienia , oddzielenia ciala od duszy, wyzwolenia ego i przywiazania do ja, moje. Jade w pociagu, oddycham, kazdy oddech jest nowym zyciem, to co bylo sekunde temu jest juz przeszloscia, teraz i tutaj, oddech za oddechem, swiadomosc bycia wewnatrz siebie i jednoczesne odczuwanie innych ludzi, tak wiele energii, tak wiele tworow, kazdy tak unikalny i piekny w swej boskosci.jem obiad, kazdy kolejny kes , masa nowych odczuc, ten sam posilek, tak wiele smakow, cale cialo ogarniete odczuwaniem, w kazdej komorce atom. Energia zmieniajaca swoja strukture , nic nie trwa , nie jest stale, oddech, odczucie, oddech odczucie, tak prosto byc swiadomym, teraz umysl zaczyna swoje historie, dostarczajac cialu tak emocji, odczuc, zaprogramowane cialo, spragnione odczuwania radosci, smutku, zlosci, zazdrosci, boskosci, tak wiele uzaleznien emocjonalnych, cialo prosi umysl o dostarczanie iluzji, nieprawdziwych historii , tylko po to aby odczuwac. Kazda mysl jest nieprawdziwa, zycie w iluzji wlasnego swiata, myslac ze znamy prawde, tak bardzo nieswiadomosciowo. Oddech, odczucie, oddech , odczucie, kolejna porcja zycia i smierci, goszczaca w zyciu, kolejne kilometry za mna, wiele kilometrow przedemna, wiara i zaufanie, swiadomosc i spokoj, sa moimi sprzymierzencami, na drodze do poznania siebie. Ktos zapytal, ile jeszcze bedziesz sie poznawal? to podroz przez cale zycie, na cale zycie, odwaga na pozwolenie , otwarcie na prawde, kroczenie na wlasnych nogach, indywidualnosc i odpowiedzialnosc za swoje zycie, tak chce zyc, tak zyje, kolejny oddech, chwila nieswiadomosci, i kolejna swiadomosc medytacji.zycie pelne, z otwartym sercem, prowadzony przez strach poznaje swoje wnetrze.
Byles ze mna w chwilach kiedy bardzo cie potrzebowalem, pomogles mi tak wiele, nauczyles mnie jak zycz otwartym sercem, jak plakac, smiac sie, jak zyc wlasna dusza. Kiedys powiedziales ze moze sie spotkamy wolni od wierzen, uwarunkowan , dwie dusze w uscisku boskosci. Dzis juz cie nie ma, odszedlesz tego swiata, wlasna decyzja, umarles piekna smiercia, wolny , twoje serce juz nie bedzie cierpialo widziac swiat pelen zniewolenia i nieszczescia.kazdy jest w innym momencie , na innej sciezce zycia, nasze ciala, nasze umysly , nasze dusze, wszystko jednoscia. Nie bylo dnia w ktorym bym nie myslal o tobie, o spotkaniu z toba,w glebi duszy szukajac pomocy i wsparcia. Teraz jestem sam na sciezce, nie moge cie juz spotkac w tym ciele. Wiem jak wiele cierpiales, ciesze sie ze jetes teraz wolny, twoja smierc uswiadomila mi jak bardzo cie kochalem, kocham, bede kochac. Jest tyle teorii , nowe wcielenia, kolejne zycia, zycie w raju, piekle, ty juz znasz odpowiedz co jest dalej, ja tylko moge sie domyslac. Odkrylem wiele smutku w sercu, dzis cierpie i tesknie za toba, za zycia tak ciezko mi bylo docenic ze zyjesz, ze mogebyc z toba , rozmawiac, smiac sie i dzielic tym co sie dzieje. Byles przy moim boku kiedy uwalnialem sie od przeszlosci, moglem zawsze liczyc na twoja pomocna dlon. Moj pierwszy kontakt z boskoscia, strach przed doswiadczeniem niezrozumialego, ty pomogles zrozumiec, byles ze mna. Dzis krocze przez zycie , z kazdym dniem bedac coraz bardziej JAM JEST.Jestem bardzo szczesliwy , wiedzac ze postanowiles odejsc, wiem ze to byla wazna decyzja. Odejscie i koniec sa zawsze poczatkiem nowego, tak wiele nie wypowiedzianych slow, uczuc, choc tak naprawde najwazniejsze to ze brakuje mi cie bardzo, bedziesz w moim sercu na zawsze. Badz i trwaj w milosci, na zawsze twoj przyjaciel.....
So the universe provides exactly what we need right? Well i was dreading day 11. We wake up at 4am, have meditation, chanting, and discourse until 630am, and then we are released out to the real world. In this case that meant going to the train station, jumping on a local train to Bombay with our luggage, once in Bombay taking another train to the station where we would need to find the illusive foreign tourist quota counter, get 2 train tickets for the same day hopefully (on the already sold out over-night train heading to Delhi), and get to the right train station in time to board the train. And all that after 10-days of seclusion and inner reflection. Painful!
Apparently that is not what we needed though! I randomly arranged a ride into Bombay with Anu, a meditator who was driving back early morning. While the road would not necessarily be quicker then the train, it would certainly be more pleasant and less of a shock to the system. While we were in the car she mentioned the Global Pagoda and it turned out she wanted to check it out. I had wanted to check it out as well but it seemed too complicated to get there and manage our luggage and our return trip and all. So i dropped the idea just the day before. Anu didnt want to go alone but she was willing to drive and i quickly jumped on the idea; we were half way to Bombay at this point. Nisarga and I decided to postpone our departure for the next day, and left our day open to going with the flow but certainly checking out the Global Pagoda.
Harris’s apartment was not very guest friendly at that moment but Omaar came to the rescue and offered us his guest room as refuge. No AC? Not a problem, it couldn’t be worse then the rash days! So Anu drove and we chatted and it was actually lovely!!! We finally made it to our destination, and were awe struck at the massiveness of the Pagoda. We took our time looking around and then continued on towards Bombay. Anu dropped us at a rickshaw which took us directly to Omaar’s. We dropped off our stuff there and went for a scrumptous fish and decadent desert lunch! According to the universe THIS is what we needed and deserved... yeah! Right on!!!
Dhamma sevika means server of the path of truth. With the vipassana meditation that we take part in (led by SNGoenka), there is the option to volunteer as a server (worker). There are different duties and these also vary based on the center, depending on what kind of set up already exists there. After having completed one 10-day vipassana course you are considered an old student and eligible to apply to be a server.
I have not felt the desire to serve since I began with this meditation, December 2005. I have completed 4 10-day courses and in order to be eligible for a longer course it is necessary to serve at least once. So i signed up, reluctantly. I felt that i had to, no choice if i want to progress to longer courses. But i certainly didn’t feel the urge to help. If i’m going to spend 10 days at the meditation center i might as well be meditating! So ok, i have to volunteer. Fine, accepted. But at least let me do it as easy as possible. I only personally know two centers, and the one in the Himalayas i knew was a tougher place to volunteer at then the headquarters center in Igatpuri, Maharashtra. In the Himalayas you may have to cook, wash pots and pans, or scrub and clean bathrooms and all of that in the cold!!! No thank you!!! I rather take my chances at headquarters, at least there they definitely have a cleaning crew and kitchen staff. The worst that could happen... i’d have to ring the wake-up bell at 4:15am. “I could always take a nap later” i comforted myself. So i applied and was accepted as a server and Nisarga signed up as a participant on the male side.
We showed up, late as usual, and Nisarga was ushered over to the men’s side hurriedly... there is 100% segragation so we don’t have any interaction for 10 days. I was given “hall duty”. YES!!! I thought to myself. Second shift... even better!!! No 4am duty (dreadful according to my body clock), first duty was at 8am. That’s more then reasonable. Not only that but the perks of being a server were plenty! We did not have to take a vow of silence, like the participants. We had to meditate 2 hours per day only, more of course if we wanted or could, and during our meditation sittings we could change our posture while participans are encouraged not to. We can have reading and writing material, use our mobile phones, listen to music or whatever else we wish, while meditators are kept in complete silence and isolation from the outside or worldly world. We even have access to internet! We can have the afternoon snack, which only first time meditators have access to, not “old students”, and we even get dinner (which no meditator has access to unless they have medical permission). Wow!!! Like a meditation club med i thought to myself.
So what did my “hall duty” exactly involve? Sitting in the back of the meditation hall and if someone leaves during the meditation sittings i should follow them, see why they left, and ensure they return. If someone is missing from the meditation hall i was given their name and room number and i had to track them down, make sure they were ok, and if ok then ensure they come to meditate. If not ok, then get them help. Fair enough, “i can do that” i thought to myself.
I realized soon enough that it was not a matter of whether i “could” do it, rather HOW i did it. The fact that i did not sign up to be a server out of a real desire was evident right away... i was not in a state of compassion. First of all i could not believe that that many meditators actually walked out during the meditation sittings or came late. This was particularly true for the first couple of days of course, when the process is new and people are really agitated or sleepy. When someone would walk out and i had to go after her, i would not think to ask if something was the matter, i was thinking “what’s your excuse now lady?”. Or... “oh come on lady, let me meditate!”. When i had to track someone down i went with frustration: oh the heat!, walking all over the campus only to find the room locked. Urg!
In the evenings, at 9:30, all the volunteers would gather together after the meditation sittings were over and the participants had retired to their rooms, and meet with the teachers as a group. We were 25 volunteers and 4 teachers, for 220 or so female meditators (yes, it’s a HUGE center, in fact it’s the largest vipassana meditation center in the world). We would start our evening meetings with a short guided meditation (pre-recorded by Goenka for this purpose) where we asked for forgiveness if we may have harmed anyone during our duties during the day, and forgave anyone who may have harmed us. We were guided to send good wishes to every meditator in the course, and to all living beings on the campus, and then for ourselves, the other volunteers and the teachers. Then we reviewed any issues that came up during the day with the teachers and discussed whatever needed to be sorted out for the next day. We would finish at 1030pm, and i was always exhausted by then. So much for reading or writing or internet or even dinner!
By the third day i realized how selfish i was being, how inconsiderate i was behaving, how i was not helping meditators or myself with my attitude. And things started to change, slowly, inside... and... then... out. I tried to be more self-aware when i approached a meditator. I failed, repeatedly... i kept trying. I thought i was in a balanced, meditative state, and then a meditator would walk out and as soon as i got up (before probably) i was back on automatic, sleep walking. I kept trying. I tried to meditate whenever i could. Even if it was for short intervals. This helped. I realized how agitated i was, how i was also going through the process and that my own “stuff” was coming up. I realized how fragile my state of being was and how easily i could be influenced by the energy of the group or even individuals. I gave myself a bit more credit, and remembered the storms which came up within me during different sittings over the past 3.5 years. I tried to find more compassion inside for myself, and for others.
The first few days i wasted a lot of my energy and time, not to mention the balance of my mind, wishing i did not have this duty but rather the duty of the server who sits next to one of the teachers and gets to hear all the question and answer sessions with the meditators... and therefore gets lots of second-hand insight from the teacher i figured. I was missing out! I could really use that information dam it! I was so envious of this post: she doesn’t have to go out in this heat time and time again, she gets to meditate more, she gets to over-hear all these gems from the teacher. NO FAIR!!! And then i came to my senses a bit: there are no accidents, the universe doesn’t make mistakes, everything happens for a reason, there is a lesson in everything, and you get exactly what you deserve and what you need (which is not necessarily what you think you deserve or need).
So if my duty was exactly what i deserved and needed, what lesson was waiting there for me? I began to feel gratitude for having been alloted this duty post, and for having the opportunity, time and time again, to really see what state of mind i was in, in every interaction or contact with a meditator. Was i just thinking of myself and my needs, only seeing things from my point of view? Or could i approach a situation in the spirit of giving, understanding, with compassion. Was i already judging the person, thinking critically, playing out the situation in my head before anything even happened, or was i really there, present, open to the reality of that moment? Was i really trying to help or find fault? Were my answers filled of ego, was there a tone of impatience? was i doing something i reallly wanted to be doing, or not? Was i interested in only taking, or could i give too? Could i find love inside me, without any need or desire for recognition, gratitude, or even understanding? What old games was i playing, what deep rooted patterns was i repeating, and could i take this opportunity, even for just a moment, to not go into them and remain conscious, present to myself and the reality of that moment?Every day, throughout the day, i had the opportunity to really look in the mirror, through my interactions with meditators, other volunteers, the management and teachers. I could think, and truely beleave inside, that i was equanimous and in a state of compassion while i was sitting meditating or on my own, but with every interaction i saw the truth. Some times i was, some times i was not. And i kept trying. My gratitude grew with every opportunity, and with it i became more balanced and centered.
And i began to understand that the one who was most benefiting from my “service”... was me!!! And that that was the case probably for most people, most of the time. Sure my duty was helpful to the teacher and the meditators, but dhamma sevika allows one to grow and mature (as a person as well as in meditation) in a way that is so different then anything one can experience when they are isolated. I understood what it meant to be centered “in the marketplace”, even if just in fleeting glimpses. And i understood that i could probably not have experienced this any time before because i needed all that time to grow inside to just even get to this basic stage. And now i was ready to try to mix meditation with interaction, limited as it might be. To try. I didn’t need to over-hear question answer sessions or any more theory, i needed to try to put into practice what i had already heard in 4 sittings!
Apparently i also needed a rash. It began a bit over a day before the course started, with some itching on my right arm in the inner elbow area. In fact it was Goa’s good-bye present to me; i started to itch as we left on the overnight bus. by day two of vipassana it had spread to both of my sides, my back, my breasts, my tricepts, my butt. Then it spread to just above my knees, my stomach, above my vagina, and my chest. I bathed in the morning and applied calamine and caladryl lotions, in the afternoon i took a rinse and reapplied the lotions and powder. I took anti-itch pills. I tried homeoppathic and alopathic externally and internally. It would not go away! It got worse in fact. It felt like i was turning into a mermaid, slowly. Scally from the upper chest down, front and back. My first ever full blown rash. It stung as the salty sweat came onto the irritated, inflammed skin. I layed naked under the fan as much as i could to give my skin the opportunity to breathe and cool down, and when the day was over i applied an ice pack all over to bring down the temperature of my skin. It got hotter by the day, and harder to sleep at night. As the older areas started to dry up, healing, new patches would spring up. I didn’t recognize my skin when i touched it. I was discussed by it. And noone could tell i had this rash, except for the original patch in my inner elbow it was all covered by everyday clothes! Like most of our addictions, avertions, miseries, traumas... it was hidden. At it’s peak i was so frustrated with the itch and pain, and i was so hot from the temperature outside but also from my burning skin, i became so angry. So felt like a simmering volcano. Not erupting, but simmering. I managed not to itch during sittings for the most part, but if i was walking around trying to find a meditator, on my own, or interacting with others... i could not maintain awareness and keep from itching.
I realized this too was an opportunity, a huge one. To remain aware and not react... in the intervals. when life was actually happening! I realized that if i could not do that, then what i was really doing during the meditation sittings was supressing, not observing. Supressing because i would explode into frantic itch as soon as the meditation session was over. I would immediately go into sleep walk mode, fully on automatic. And the later it got into the evening the more impossible it seemed to not give into the itch. I was tired, i was full of the impressions from the day, and my mind knew i would “crack” at that point. And every night my mind and body played the same game. I started to try to keep awareness in the intervals. I tried to not be disappointed with myself, feeding my overall frustration. I tried to approach my body with more kindness and love. By day 9 i could say the rash was improving and by day 11, when we left, it had passed. The dry patches are still there, the skin needs time to heal, but no more itching, no more boiling skin. I don’t know if this rash was the result of the process, even if it did start before we got there (the subconscious knew where we were headed!), or just a heat rash. It was certainly not an allergic reaction to anything. Whatever it was... it was a wonderful opportunity.
Every moment is in fact... a wonderful opportunity.
fire of my core, flowing in my blood, red, yellow and violet flames, reaching the existance i am lost in the dance, only when allow myself, thats not a mind who does, it`s my heart, beating every second in different octave, with the music coming through the veins, the awakening of time, every second like century, what was before is forgotten, the fire in me, who i was is who i am, who i became is who i am, the moment of shout, reveled my truth, the pain of illusion and beauty of awareness, i have the faith to follow my heart , i wish, i can, i am....dervish
a year ago yesterday i took sannyas, and a year ago today nisarga (also known as eryk) did. here are some pictures from his experience, we can't find any from mine. it has been quite a year, quite an adventure... individually, and together. we met quite early on in this journey... and so we continue to walk... and celebrate... and fight and laugh and cry and and and...
Thank you Mum,Dad, i am here , i exist andi live, thats best gift you could give me, the life, the highest form of love. You created me, i belong to you, my left side is always flowing gracefully like a river and the right is strong like a warriors sword.I cant never forget about that, so many miracles are happening in me, you feel me, you know me, you understand me, maybe better that myself. I cry for you and laugh for you.i am with you even if so far away, i know how much i will be missing you, how much i will regret being far now, one day, in future. Now i know, i understood, that i want to be responsible for my feelings, emotions,impressions.I am my creator and you created me,i am so gratefull for my creators, the cosmic energies, which brought me to this world, you were the bridge which connected invisible and visible world.You helped me understand that i might never see the reality.I am looking in the sky, but its not real either. I see there stars which might not exist anymore. I look in the see and i dont see dolphins jumping joyfully above the water. There is so much that i feel but cant explain to you, but i know that you understand me, THANK U my parents , WE R SO OK .
Living with gratitude and compation, trust and faith, jumping into deep water, going against all fears and others opinions, living with fire of life, spending nights with the death, touching deepest wounds and relesing those energies into COSMOS, learning and studying world and nature, feeling all senses with joy and laughter, whirling in the full moon with tears of pain and fear rolling down the face. Freedom is the wish to be, to take my responsibilities for my life since 240577 and all lifes before.Feeling compation to my child for adjusting and surviving in this planet to create me , MYSELF. Feeling gratitude to my beloved, mather, father, brother, all people who likes, love, dislike, hate me. Thank you for giving me so much freedom in this life. I am here to experience what is awareness, to drop my mind and life aware, all this are my choices, i make them from the heart, from the most free space, from the temple of my soul, thats where is the freedom. Living free or not,I have this choice every second in my life...
we were in the water one afternoon, around 3pm or so and i thought i saw a fin floating behind nisarga as i was facing him and he had his back to the ocean. i doubted myself a full 100% and figured, nahhhhh... that had to be a wave and my eyes are playing tricks on me due to the sun. but then i saw it again. no way i thought. i put my hands over my mouth, popped my eyes out and pointed without making a sound. dolphins were out for their afternoon swim and swimming right on by. we vowed to take a dolphin ride before we left!
so on our last morning we boarded a simple fishing boat with two fisherman around 730am. they rowed us further into the ocean but not so deep at all actually. we stayed out there for over an hour. dolphins were all over the place. all around us. a bit further away a couple of them were jumping all the way up, straight up, doing twists and flips and then diving back in. it was quite a scene. wow!!!
it was absolutely amazing to be out there in the water with all of them. we didn't want to go back to main land, that's for sure. as we were headed back, we saw a team of boats coming out. we were fortunate to have a bit more of an intimate time with them.
the day that will live in infamy! nisarga is not just posing for this picture. he actually ate a piece of chicken at the beach side bbq!!! the first animal flesh (that doesn't swim) to enter his body in 10 years! he says his body wanted it and he was curious about the taste after so long. he so inspires me.
ajay was so into the idea of our little bamboo hut by the beach, he decided to haul his entire family on over and stay the night in agonda. not only that... he also brought everything necessary to have a bbq on the beach!!! they brought and marinated fish, crabs and chicken. they even brought all ingredients for a salad. it was nisarga's first time having crabs, he thinks, and he loooooved them! it was my first time having a bbq on the beach. thanks so much ajay for this wonderful gift.
nisarga could go into the beach he's been looking at for a whole month. the beach he could smell and hear and see but not experience. except of course when he jumped in thinking that was the last day. so anyway. the moment he's been so anxious about. what he didnt count on was that the water would hurt!!! sting in fact. and it would be hard to balance. but he's a trooper, and determined. so there he was, approaching the sea. and then laying out... until of course he burned his leg so badly that it was extremely painful and it looked like he had pan fried it. that's my honey.
... today, finally, the cast comes off. largely because it is the last day of nisarga's insurance, not to mention he just can't stand it anymore. we went all the way up to north goa to the same hospital where he was on valentines, a two hour ride. xrays showed the bone was healed. the cast was removed!
to our suprise, the ankle and foot was still very swollen. and his psoriasis was back. who cares! the cast is OFF!!! yupieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What else to do while we have the opportunity to do nothing?! Internal spring cleaning. We had been so well fed at Akash’s, and Nisarga had taken to extra eating as a source of pleasure in his immobile and difficult state, and as a way to numb the feelings that were comming up. The morning he decided to participate in a Gurdjieff movements class he also stopped eating. I followed 3 days after, the day we were leaving Akash’s. I do not have the will power in me to not eat if it’s being cooked around me, the smells, seeing it, knowing others i’m interacting with are eating, etc. But if i can avoid restaurants and other eating places then i can manage, especially if i feel like i’m going to burst at the seams.
Having done it once before, about half a year ago, i was hoping i could last 5 to 7 days. I figured it would be easier this time since my body had some previous experience and it wouldn’t be a total shock like that time, and since this time we were in a warm environment where hunger is not as strong anyway in comparison to a cooler place. But i knew i needed Nisarga to continue fasting in order to sustain my fast. We drank water and fruit juice, freshly made as well as from a box but with as few preservatives and without sugar as we could find. And to my suprise, it was easy! I made it to a week without much effort. Sure there was some hunger the first 2 days but i knew a bit of what to expect this time so it was ok. I got emotional (angry, sensitive, sad, etc.) but i knew it was part of the process so i just accepted it.
On my day 4, Nisarga’s day 7, we did a liver cleansing; again, my second. This time it was harder actually. I was discussedted by the oil after a point. This time, since i didn’t throw up, it actually had an effect. The next day i had sharp cramps, diarhea, and small stones coming out. Amazing!!! Since this was the first time i could SEE results from the cleansing i was inspired. I wanted to do a colon cleansing. We went to a couple of small health centers and asked if they provided such a service, they all said no but that i may be able to get a do it yourself at home kit (a bucket and a hose to shove up my butt basically). I figured i could do it on my own or with Nisarga’s help. We went to 4 or 5 pharmacists but none had the material. We even tried at aryuvedic centers but they said they only do such cleansings under a progressive therapy regime, not a one time full intestinal cleansing; we had a massage anyway. I resolved that it wasn’t meant to be for me this time around.
Well, not really i guess because when we went back that night i did a web search for “colon cleansing goa”. 3-4 options popped up, only one clearly mentioned it was with a machine and it seemed that there they were dedicated solely to colon hydrotherapy unlike the others that included herbal solutions, yoga, nutritional information and other stuff that added up to a lot more money and a longer process (which was out of the question since all the options were a minimum of 2 hours north by car, we were staying at the very south of Goa). Nisarga could not drive a scooter on the highway 2 hours each way for the commute, his leg was still in a cast. That meant we’d have to take public transport there and back, basically spending the whole day involved in this process. Ajay, the thetherapist, surprisingly gave us quite a discount and it was the right time to do it regarding our fast so we went for it. Initially Nisarga thought he’d just have 1 session but since it was my first time it is suggested to have 3 sessions, with one day break between each session. Now that math worked out to extending the fast by quite a few days. That was not something i was sure i could do, but he said it didn’t matter, we could be eating normally and still get the benefits of the cleansing; the great majority of people who go are eating regularly. We made an appointment for the next day.
We rented a scooter and drove it to the bus station 10 kms away. I sat on the back seat holding the crutches, one on either side, and Nisarga went slowly ensuring the need to use his left leg did not present itself. We waited until we could board a bus where we could sit in the front, so that there would be enough space for Nisarga’s giraffe legs. An hour on one bus, another hour on another bus. then a rickshaw to Ajay’s office. Almost 3 hours after leaving our beach hut heaven, we had reached. The same awaited us on the way back, but under much hotter circumstances. So we would treat ourselves to fresh coconut water before boarding the first bus back, and make it back in time to catch the sunset with some juice on the beach.
Ajay was great. Funny, sincere, humble, warm, patient, understanding. I was a patient from hell. He says it’s a normal reaction for a person receiving colon hydrotherapy for the first time but i think i was absolutely hellish. It was painful, and i had not expected that. It felt so weird. Usually when you feel like pooing or farting you push, even just a little. But in this process you can’t push at all. A tube covered in lube is put into your anus and it’s connected to a plastic transparent hose which is connected to the machine. So if you push you end up pushing out the tube and everything from inside spills out onto the table where you are laying. The machine the hose is hooked up to is also connected to the water source, which is twice filtered before going into you. Water is first pumped into you, when you feel like you are going to burst you say stop, the pumping is stopped and water comes out carrying with it stuff from your intenstines. For a better and more complete explanation of the process and it’s benefits visit Ajay’s website: http://www.vecare.in/
When the water is not being pumped inside you, Ajay massages your intestines in a circular motion, pretty deeply, in order to help loosen things up and help the process. Nisarga said that he had gone for this procedure three different sets of times, all in Poland, and that this was the best expereience because of the massage. Most people don’t touch you or slightly touch you. So it’s all left to the water but it doesn’t work as well. As things come out you see them pass through the transparent plastic tube and then through a “viewing glass” on the machine. It’s very cool! Ajay, who was trained in Singapore by the company he bought the machine from, would tell us when he thought something passing was a recent guest and pointed out the ones that looked to him like they were guests from at least 15 years ago!!! Small dark half moon shapes. They were the by-products of bacteria... the poop of organisms living in my intestines! That aint fair, i thought to myself; i’ve got to worry about getting rid of my own poop and other’s too? This is not a dumping ground! And these peices were stuck to the intenstines so that’s why they were that shape. Wow!!!
The second session was a walk in the park in comparison to my first one, but for Nisarga it was dreadfully painful. Ajay suggested we start eating because by then we had not eaten in 9 and 12 days and had no fiber in us to help push stuff out so the stuff which remained was too solid and had nothing to help push it out. We didn’t really feel like eating, so we just had some grapes. We both agreed to a third session. So much came out! Incredible!!! I had to stop him in the middle of the session, disconect myself from the tube, go to the bathroom and push because there was soooo much! I guess my intestines had absorbed water and it had all been soaking for those previous days and it had loosened up enough to come out.
That was my 11th day of fasting except for the grapes the day before, and by then i was hungry! Hunger would come up much more when we would travel up to have the sessions with Ajay because i would see and smell food, and because i was exerting much more energy physically, emotionally and psychologically. But it would settle by the evening. On this 11th day i was feeling nauseous, dizzy, and i had a splitting headache. It took all my effort and consentration to stand and walk. I was in a foul mood. Nisarga was still in a cast and with crutches. I think i experienced what i have heard others describe as a migraine from not eating on time. My brother gets that and i’ve never understood how a body which was already fed that same day could have such an extreme response if it doesn’t get fed again on time. But it does! And mine hit that threshold on day 11! I had not had any juice the night before, only water, so i think my sugar level must have been quite low. If it had not been for the cleansing appointment i would have had a massive plate of whatever food i could find, but i couldn’t eat because the stomach should be empty for the process, so no eating within 3 hours beforethe session. I drank crap juices filled with sugar which gave me temporary relief only. I felt better after the session but i needed food!!!
Nevermind this easing into food by having fruits first and then soups or something like that. We went for mexican!!! I had ceviche and a burrito. The next day i had a whole fish with fries!!! I actually wasn’t very hungry but i knew that my body needed food once a day at this point for at least a couple of days.
The most interesting observation about myself during this fast was that it helped me overcome cravings. During the first fast, which only lasted 4 days, i had cravings throughout. And i talked about food endlessly. About what specific food i would want and plan to eat when i’m off the fast. Not this time. I joked about it a few times but i was not really having cravings. I am a big time taste eater, meaning i eat based on my mouth/ palate not my stomach needs. So this fast helped me shed that a bit. And even once i started eating again, i did not have strong cravings. I don’t know that i’ve ever experienced that before, at least not in a conscious way. It was a lovely, empty, peaceful feeling. Not only did i not need food, i didn’t need it’s taste either. To be neutral and not craving and salavating at the thought of different foods. How nice it was.
When i told my mother about the 11 days without any food she was amazed. A friend asked if i had lost 10 kilos during those days... and you may be wondering the same. Nope! Just a 2.5 kilos, 6 pounds. Not much for not eating for so long. And for having overeaten for a while before that. And you may be wondering if we were just sitting doing nothing trying to conserve energy. Nope. I would do yoga or go for a 30 minute jog along the beach. We read, layed out, played games, i went swimming. We were active, and had fun!
cked from the argentina side to chile across the alps... i so dont recommend anyone do that. i also spent time in the andes when i lived in peru for 2 years, and on 
my trips to bolivia as far back as when i was 12. but it was only when i got to the himalayas that i could really appreciate the mountains. i initially travelled in india to different himalayan destinations with indians who are absolutely passionate about those mountains. their respect and love for them taught me a lot. and today... i visited the alps.
d although im not a skiier, and dont have much desire to be one, i have agreed, enthusiastically!, to come back here with him. he can ski all day and i will simply be.
e sun in our faces and the cool breeze caressing the rest of us. there was lots of snow left considering it's almost june. the sky a perfect blue!
