salaam bombay...

So the real reason we were not able to leave on Sunday... or Monday, was because walking, fish eating, chocolate indulging and shopping were all waiting for us!!! What else would one do in Bombay?; ok, granted, partying at night, but we were fresh just out of vipassana with our bodies waking up by 5 or 6 automatically and dead tired by 9pm! That left us with a whole lotta day time to kill!

Nisarga had not reallly seen Bombay, having been there twice but under precarious circumstances each time. The first time he was there for 24 hours in a hole in the wall hotel upon first landing in India on his first trip, and he hated it and quickly moved on to Pune. The second time was end of Jan, when he had a cast on and given that no city in India is really handicap friendly (Bombay certainly being no exception) the only place he really saw was Harris’s apartment. This time was different!

We walked around the Churchgate, Fort Area and down to Colaba to the Gateway to India. We stopped for cane juice and coconut water on the street. We checked out goods on offer at vendor stalls. We had brunch at a cozy european style cafe, which included me having a toasted bagel! We shopped for almost 3 hours for Nisarga’s Indian make-over. He was such a good sport, he tried on over a dozen kurtas of various lengths, pyjamas, churidars and even a doti! (Come on, it has been a year now that he has been in India and only one kurta and some t-shirts to show for it!) Now fabulously Indian, we had a yummy seafood late lunch and then continued shopping a bit more!

Three main meals in 3 days and all consisted of seafood and chocolate desert. One thing is for sure... Bombay has got to be the best city in all of india for chocolate deserts!!! Thank you Bombay!

milosc

Ktos kocha pieniadze, ktos kocha samochod, ktos kocha kota, lub psa, kochamy malzonka, rodzicow, dzieci, na samym koncu kochamy siebie lub nie.milosc nie prosi o cos w zamian, milosc to odczucie gleboko w sercu, to radosc dzielenia sie z innymi, to wspolodczuwanie z innymi, milosc jest zawsze w nas, to stan kiedy ego nie istnieje, nie mozna kochac przez pryzmat ego, wlasnego JA. Milosc nie jest oddzieleniem z innymi. W milosci nie ma miejsca na strach, zazdrosc, zlosc, nienawisc, milosc jest przyjaciolka wdziecznosci, kiedy naprawde kochasz to wiesz ze kochasz, kazda komorka ciala jest miloscia,radosna , szczesliwa, wolna i piekna.

medytacja

Coraz blizej jestem momentu zrozumienia , oddzielenia ciala od duszy, wyzwolenia ego i przywiazania do ja, moje. Jade w pociagu, oddycham, kazdy oddech jest nowym zyciem, to co bylo sekunde temu jest juz przeszloscia, teraz i tutaj, oddech za oddechem, swiadomosc bycia wewnatrz siebie i jednoczesne odczuwanie innych ludzi, tak wiele energii, tak wiele tworow, kazdy tak unikalny i piekny w swej boskosci.jem obiad, kazdy kolejny kes , masa nowych odczuc, ten sam posilek, tak wiele smakow, cale cialo ogarniete odczuwaniem, w kazdej komorce atom. Energia zmieniajaca swoja strukture , nic nie trwa , nie jest stale, oddech, odczucie, oddech odczucie, tak prosto byc swiadomym, teraz umysl zaczyna swoje historie, dostarczajac cialu tak emocji, odczuc, zaprogramowane cialo, spragnione odczuwania radosci, smutku, zlosci, zazdrosci, boskosci, tak wiele uzaleznien emocjonalnych, cialo prosi umysl o dostarczanie iluzji, nieprawdziwych historii , tylko po to aby odczuwac. Kazda mysl jest nieprawdziwa, zycie w iluzji wlasnego swiata, myslac ze znamy prawde, tak bardzo nieswiadomosciowo. Oddech, odczucie, oddech , odczucie, kolejna porcja zycia i smierci, goszczaca w zyciu, kolejne kilometry za mna, wiele kilometrow przedemna, wiara i zaufanie, swiadomosc i spokoj, sa moimi sprzymierzencami, na drodze do poznania siebie. Ktos zapytal, ile jeszcze bedziesz sie poznawal? to podroz przez cale zycie, na cale zycie, odwaga na pozwolenie , otwarcie na prawde, kroczenie na wlasnych nogach, indywidualnosc i odpowiedzialnosc za swoje zycie, tak chce zyc, tak zyje, kolejny oddech, chwila nieswiadomosci, i kolejna swiadomosc medytacji.zycie pelne, z otwartym sercem, prowadzony przez strach poznaje swoje wnetrze.

kiedy najblizszy przyjaciel odchodzi...

Byles ze mna w chwilach kiedy bardzo cie potrzebowalem, pomogles mi tak wiele, nauczyles mnie jak zyc z otwartym sercem, jak plakac, smiac sie, jak zyc wlasna dusza. Kiedys powiedziales ze moze sie spotkamy wolni od wierzen, uwarunkowan , dwie dusze w uscisku boskosci. Dzis juz cie nie ma, odszedles z tego swiata, wlasna decyzja, umarles piekna smiercia, wolny , twoje serce juz nie bedzie cierpialo widziac swiat pelen zniewolenia i nieszczescia.kazdy jest w innym momencie , na innej sciezce zycia, nasze ciala, nasze umysly , nasze dusze, wszystko jednoscia. Nie bylo dnia w ktorym bym nie myslal o tobie, o spotkaniu z toba,w glebi duszy szukajac pomocy i wsparcia. Teraz jestem sam na sciezce, nie moge cie juz spotkac w tym ciele. Wiem jak wiele cierpiales, ciesze sie ze jetes teraz wolny, twoja smierc uswiadomila mi jak bardzo cie kochalem, kocham, bede kochac. Jest tyle teorii , nowe wcielenia, kolejne zycia, zycie w raju, piekle, ty juz znasz odpowiedz co jest dalej, ja tylko moge sie domyslac. Odkrylem wiele smutku w sercu, dzis cierpie i tesknie za toba, za zycia tak ciezko mi bylo docenic ze zyjesz, ze moge byc z toba , rozmawiac, smiac sie i dzielic tym co sie dzieje. Byles przy moim boku kiedy uwalnialem sie od przeszlosci, moglem zawsze liczyc na twoja pomocna dlon. Moj pierwszy kontakt z boskoscia, strach przed doswiadczeniem niezrozumialego, ty pomogles zrozumiec, byles ze mna. Dzis krocze przez zycie , z kazdym dniem bedac coraz bardziej JAM JEST.Jestem bardzo szczesliwy , wiedzac ze postanowiles odejsc, wiem ze to byla wazna decyzja. Odejscie i koniec sa zawsze poczatkiem nowego, tak wiele nie wypowiedzianych slow, uczuc, choc tak naprawde najwazniejsze to ze brakuje mi cie bardzo, bedziesz w moim sercu na zawsze. Badz i trwaj w milosci, na zawsze twoj przyjaciel.....

day 11...

So the universe provides exactly what we need right? Well i was dreading day 11. We wake up at 4am, have meditation, chanting, and discourse until 630am, and then we are released out to the real world. In this case that meant going to the train station, jumping on a local train to Bombay with our luggage, once in Bombay taking another train to the station where we would need to find the illusive foreign tourist quota counter, get 2 train tickets for the same day hopefully (on the already sold out over-night train heading to Delhi), and get to the right train station in time to board the train. And all that after 10-days of seclusion and inner reflection. Painful!

Apparently that is not what we needed though! I randomly arranged a ride into Bombay with Anu, a meditator who was driving back early morning. While the road would not necessarily be quicker then the train, it would certainly be more pleasant and less of a shock to the system. While we were in the car she mentioned the Global Pagoda and it turned out she wanted to check it out. I had wanted to check it out as well but it seemed too complicated to get there and manage our luggage and our return trip and all. So i dropped the idea just the day before. Anu didnt want to go alone but she was willing to drive and i quickly jumped on the idea; we were half way to Bombay at this point. Nisarga and I decided to postpone our departure for the next day, and left our day open to going with the flow but certainly checking out the Global Pagoda.

Harris’s apartment was not very guest friendly at that moment but Omaar came to the rescue and offered us his guest room as refuge. No AC? Not a problem, it couldn’t be worse then the rash days! So Anu drove and we chatted and it was actually lovely!!! We finally made it to our destination, and were awe struck at the massiveness of the Pagoda. We took our time looking around and then continued on towards Bombay. Anu dropped us at a rickshaw which took us directly to Omaar’s. We dropped off our stuff there and went for a scrumptous fish and decadent desert lunch! According to the universe THIS is what we needed and deserved... yeah! Right on!!!

Dhamma Server

Dhamma sevika means server of the path of truth. With the vipassana meditation that we take part in (led by SN Goenka), there is the option to volunteer as a server (worker). There are different duties and these also vary based on the center, depending on what kind of set up already exists there. After having completed one 10-day vipassana course you are considered an old student and eligible to apply to be a server.

I have not felt the desire to serve since I began with this meditation, December 2005. I have completed 4 10-day courses and in order to be eligible for a longer course it is necessary to serve at least once. So i signed up, reluctantly. I felt that i had to, no choice if i want to progress to longer courses. But i certainly didn’t feel the urge to help. If i’m going to spend 10 days at the meditation center i might as well be meditating! So ok, i have to volunteer. Fine, accepted. But at least let me do it as easy as possible. I only personally know two centers, and the one in the Himalayas i knew was a tougher place to volunteer at then the headquarters center in Igatpuri, Maharashtra. In the Himalayas you may have to cook, wash pots and pans, or scrub and clean bathrooms and all of that in the cold!!! No thank you!!! I rather take my chances at headquarters, at least there they definitely have a cleaning crew and kitchen staff. The worst that could happen... i’d have to ring the wake-up bell at 4:15am. “I could always take a nap later” i comforted myself. So i applied and was accepted as a server and Nisarga signed up as a participant on the male side.

We showed up, late as usual, and Nisarga was ushered over to the men’s side hurriedly... there is 100% segragation so we don’t have any interaction for 10 days. I was given “hall duty”. YES!!! I thought to myself. Second shift... even better!!! No 4am duty (dreadful according to my body clock), first duty was at 8am. That’s more then reasonable. Not only that but the perks of being a server were plenty! We did not have to take a vow of silence, like the participants. We had to meditate 2 hours per day only, more of course if we wanted or could, and during our meditation sittings we could change our posture while participans are encouraged not to. We can have reading and writing material, use our mobile phones, listen to music or whatever else we wish, while meditators are kept in complete silence and isolation from the outside or worldly world. We even have access to internet! We can have the afternoon snack, which only first time meditators have access to, not “old students”, and we even get dinner (which no meditator has access to unless they have medical permission). Wow!!! Like a meditation club med i thought to myself.

So what did my “hall duty” exactly involve? Sitting in the back of the meditation hall and if someone leaves during the meditation sittings i should follow them, see why they left, and ensure they return. If someone is missing from the meditation hall i was given their name and room number and i had to track them down, make sure they were ok, and if ok then ensure they come to meditate. If not ok, then get them help. Fair enough, “i can do that” i thought to myself.

I realized soon enough that it was not a matter of whether i “could” do it, rather HOW i did it. The fact that i did not sign up to be a server out of a real desire was evident right away... i was not in a state of compassion. First of all i could not believe that that many meditators actually walked out during the meditation sittings or came late. This was particularly true for the first couple of days of course, when the process is new and people are really agitated or sleepy. When someone would walk out and i had to go after her, i would not think to ask if something was the matter, i was thinking “what’s your excuse now lady?”. Or... “oh come on lady, let me meditate!”. When i had to track someone down i went with frustration: oh the heat!, walking all over the campus only to find the room locked. Urg!

In the evenings, at 9:30, all the volunteers would gather together after the meditation sittings were over and the participants had retired to their rooms, and meet with the teachers as a group. We were 25 volunteers and 4 teachers, for 220 or so female meditators (yes, it’s a HUGE center, in fact it’s the largest vipassana meditation center in the world). We would start our evening meetings with a short guided meditation (pre-recorded by Goenka for this purpose) where we asked for forgiveness if we may have harmed anyone during our duties during the day, and forgave anyone who may have harmed us. We were guided to send good wishes to every meditator in the course, and to all living beings on the campus, and then for ourselves, the other volunteers and the teachers. Then we reviewed any issues that came up during the day with the teachers and discussed whatever needed to be sorted out for the next day. We would finish at 1030pm, and i was always exhausted by then. So much for reading or writing or internet or even dinner!

By the third day i realized how selfish i was being, how inconsiderate i was behaving, how i was not helping meditators or myself with my attitude. And things started to change, slowly, inside... and... then... out. I tried to be more self-aware when i approached a meditator. I failed, repeatedly... i kept trying. I thought i was in a balanced, meditative state, and then a meditator would walk out and as soon as i got up (before probably) i was back on automatic, sleep walking. I kept trying. I tried to meditate whenever i could. Even if it was for short intervals. This helped. I realized how agitated i was, how i was also going through the process and that my own “stuff” was coming up. I realized how fragile my state of being was and how easily i could be influenced by the energy of the group or even individuals. I gave myself a bit more credit, and remembered the storms which came up within me during different sittings over the past 3.5 years. I tried to find more compassion inside for myself, and for others.

The first few days i wasted a lot of my energy and time, not to mention the balance of my mind, wishing i did not have this duty but rather the duty of the server who sits next to one of the teachers and gets to hear all the question and answer sessions with the meditators... and therefore gets lots of second-hand insight from the teacher i figured. I was missing out! I could really use that information dam it! I was so envious of this post: she doesn’t have to go out in this heat time and time again, she gets to meditate more, she gets to over-hear all these gems from the teacher. NO FAIR!!! And then i came to my senses a bit: there are no accidents, the universe doesn’t make mistakes, everything happens for a reason, there is a lesson in everything, and you get exactly what you deserve and what you need (which is not necessarily what you think you deserve or need).

So if my duty was exactly what i deserved and needed, what lesson was waiting there for me? I began to feel gratitude for having been alloted this duty post, and for having the opportunity, time and time again, to really see what state of mind i was in, in every interaction or contact with a meditator. Was i just thinking of myself and my needs, only seeing things from my point of view? Or could i approach a situation in the spirit of giving, understanding, with compassion. Was i already judging the person, thinking critically, playing out the situation in my head before anything even happened, or was i really there, present, open to the reality of that moment? Was i really trying to help or find fault? Were my answers filled of ego, was there a tone of impatience? was i doing something i reallly wanted to be doing, or not? Was i interested in only taking, or could i give too? Could i find love inside me, without any need or desire for recognition, gratitude, or even understanding? What old games was i playing, what deep rooted patterns was i repeating, and could i take this opportunity, even for just a moment, to not go into them and remain conscious, present to myself and the reality of that moment? Every day, throughout the day, i had the opportunity to really look in the mirror, through my interactions with meditators, other volunteers, the management and teachers. I could think, and truely beleave inside, that i was equanimous and in a state of compassion while i was sitting meditating or on my own, but with every interaction i saw the truth. Some times i was, some times i was not. And i kept trying. My gratitude grew with every opportunity, and with it i became more balanced and centered.

And i began to understand that the one who was most benefiting from my “service”... was me!!! And that that was the case probably for most people, most of the time. Sure my duty was helpful to the teacher and the meditators, but dhamma sevika allows one to grow and mature (as a person as well as in meditation) in a way that is so different then anything one can experience when they are isolated. I understood what it meant to be centered “in the marketplace”, even if just in fleeting glimpses. And i understood that i could probably not have experienced this any time before because i needed all that time to grow inside to just even get to this basic stage. And now i was ready to try to mix meditation with interaction, limited as it might be. To try. I didn’t need to over-hear question answer sessions or any more theory, i needed to try to put into practice what i had already heard in 4 sittings!

Apparently i also needed a rash. It began a bit over a day before the course started, with some itching on my right arm in the inner elbow area. In fact it was Goa’s good-bye present to me; i started to itch as we left on the overnight bus. by day two of vipassana it had spread to both of my sides, my back, my breasts, my tricepts, my butt. Then it spread to just above my knees, my stomach, above my vagina, and my chest. I bathed in the morning and applied calamine and caladryl lotions, in the afternoon i took a rinse and reapplied the lotions and powder. I took anti-itch pills. I tried homeoppathic and alopathic externally and internally. It would not go away! It got worse in fact. It felt like i was turning into a mermaid, slowly. Scally from the upper chest down, front and back. My first ever full blown rash. It stung as the salty sweat came onto the irritated, inflammed skin. I layed naked under the fan as much as i could to give my skin the opportunity to breathe and cool down, and when the day was over i applied an ice pack all over to bring down the temperature of my skin. It got hotter by the day, and harder to sleep at night. As the older areas started to dry up, healing, new patches would spring up. I didn’t recognize my skin when i touched it. I was discussed by it. And noone could tell i had this rash, except for the original patch in my inner elbow it was all covered by everyday clothes! Like most of our addictions, avertions, miseries, traumas... it was hidden. At it’s peak i was so frustrated with the itch and pain, and i was so hot from the temperature outside but also from my burning skin, i became so angry. So felt like a simmering volcano. Not erupting, but simmering. I managed not to itch during sittings for the most part, but if i was walking around trying to find a meditator, on my own, or interacting with others... i could not maintain awareness and keep from itching.

I realized this too was an opportunity, a huge one. To remain aware and not react... in the intervals. when life was actually happening! I realized that if i could not do that, then what i was really doing during the meditation sittings was supressing, not observing. Supressing because i would explode into frantic itch as soon as the meditation session was over. I would immediately go into sleep walk mode, fully on automatic. And the later it got into the evening the more impossible it seemed to not give into the itch. I was tired, i was full of the impressions from the day, and my mind knew i would “crack” at that point. And every night my mind and body played the same game. I started to try to keep awareness in the intervals. I tried to not be disappointed with myself, feeding my overall frustration. I tried to approach my body with more kindness and love. By day 9 i could say the rash was improving and by day 11, when we left, it had passed. The dry patches are still there, the skin needs time to heal, but no more itching, no more boiling skin. I don’t know if this rash was the result of the process, even if it did start before we got there (the subconscious knew where we were headed!), or just a heat rash. It was certainly not an allergic reaction to anything. Whatever it was... it was a wonderful opportunity.

Every moment is in fact... a wonderful opportunity.